Rock the Boat

An honest look at what really works to bring more intimacy and deeper trust into your relationship. Couples therapist Resmaa Menakem challenges couples not to avoid conflict, but to rock the boat! The emotional transformation that results can forge a greater, more mature intimacy; a deeper trust; an [...]
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An honest look at what really works to bring more intimacy and deeper trust into your relationship. Couples therapist Resmaa Menakem challenges couples not to avoid conflict, but to rock the boat! The emotional transformation that results can forge a greater, more mature intimacy; a deeper trust; and a stronger bond. Conflict is a natural part of any intimate relationship. Yet most couples either avoid it or try to smooth over their differences. This results in one or both partners compromising their integrity u and stunting their own growth. Gritty, often irreverent, and always practical, Rock the Boat challenges couples not to flee from conflicts because the emotional stalemate that conflicts produce creates an opportunity for profound transformation. This transformation affirms each partnerAEs individuality while forging a more mature intimacy, a greater trust, and a deeper bond. Rock the Boat challenges the idea that conflict between partners is unhealthy or something to avoid. Instead, it encourages both people to stand by what they need and who they are u but to do so with compassion rather than competitiveness or vengefulness.This is the purpose of an intimate relationship: to create an atmosphere where both people learn to grow up and mature in their relationship by appreciating each otherAEs individual needs in a caring and mature way. Resmaa Menakem addresses key factors in making this happen, including accepting discomfort and uncertainty; being honest and open about sex, money, children, and in-laws; recognizing when conflict might escalate into violence or abuse; and, when appropriate, finding and working with a good therapist. Rock the Boat is not about ideals or what we hope or imagine relationships to be. It's an honest, unflinching look at what actually works. Warnings and Promises This book is about the reality of relationships. It offers no comforting fantasies, false promises, or quick-and-easy fixes. Instead, it offers you and your partner a chance to make your relationship u and your lives u bigger and fuller than you ever imagined. Intimate relationships can be gritty and in our faces. Sometimes they can feel dangerous. This is how theyAEre meant to work. TheyAEre not always joyful or serene.Be forewarned: if what you strive for in your relationship is comfort, this book is not going to help you. When life (or your partner) pushes you into growing up, you wonAEt do it. Instead, youAEll take it personally and take offense. YouAEll try to make the conflict into their problem, their pathology. Over time, you may grow rageful or even violent. Like intimate relationships, this book is gritty and down-to-earth. It's 100 percent clinically sound. It's also 100 percent simple, straightforward, and bullshit free. If all you want is to feel good, put down this book and get a massage. Just by being who he or she is, your lover forces you into making a choice: either grow up or don't. By being who you are, you force him or her to make the same choice. This happens over and over, day after day. Each time it happens, each of you has to choose to grow or not. You can't make your partner grow up, and he or she can't grow up for you. Just by being together, you and your partner will also shine light on each otherAEs limitations. This is painful at first, even though these limitations bind you up. If youAEre like most couples, youAEll try to unwind each otherAEs limitations.This can be terrifying u so terrifying that, at times, you lash out at each other. Instead, both of you need to grow up. This book is about choosing to grow up. That's what makes it serious. In this book I use the words partner, lover, and mate to mean the person youAEre in a long-term romantic relationship with, whether youAEre married or not, whether youAEve been together one year or sixty, and whether youAEre straight, gay, bi, or trans. I also use the words marriage, relationship, and partnership interchangeably. Marriage is not for the weak or timid. In the best partnerships, both people consistently demand the best from each other and force each other to grow. This is never easy or painless. But itAEs way better than the alternative: making each other smaller, weaker, less adaptable, and more unhappy. This book will help you and your mate create your own best partnership.